Seattle Mariners 2013 New Years Resolutions

By: Anthony

Happy New Year to all of our readers, and here it is, much to Patrick’s chagrin, our first post of 2013 (Only took three days!). Like many people across the world, various members of the Seattle Mariners made New Year’s Resolutions. Thanks to our tireless reporting and sources close to various members of the team, we have learned some of these resolutions made by the team.

Blake Beavan- Be even more Blake Beavany this coming year. Go for the Perfect Beavan (attempting going an entire game without missing a bat).

Carter Capps- Figure out if the mythical pitch called the “changeup” is real or if Carl Willis is just messing with him.

Felix Hernandez- Find a way to face 26 batters in a complete game. Also, shore up fiscal policies in Court as well as limiting serf’s freedom further.

Hisashi Iwakuma- Bring the excitement and dance moves his idol Muenori Kawasaki brought to the clubhouse last year.

Lucas Luetge- Take the term LOOGY (Left-handed one out guy) to a whole new level, spitting a mixture of saliva and phlegm at all strikeout victims.

Hector Noesi- Learn difference between 2-0 and 0-2 counts.

Stephen Pryor- Do all possible to change awful Mariner hashtag “Pryorfire.” Including learning knuckleball and epheus

Erasmo Ramirez- Become best Nicaraguan pitcher in MLB.

Note: Vincente Padilla is the only other Nicaraguan pitcher in the MLB. So be better than Padilla.

Tom Wilhelmsen- Develop signature drink called “The Hammer Curve.” Must include 151 Rum and Everclear.

John Jaso- Grow beard more often.

Jesus Montero- To further piss off Jeff Sullivan, change facial hair daily.

Dustin Ackley- Tell Justin Smoak he doesn’t want to be in a band with him and Kyle Seager

Kendrys Morales- Develop a cool, less dangerous celebration for walk-off home runs. Also, hit walk-off home runs.

Brendan Ryan- Play “How low can my batting average get before I get benched” less often and win a gold glove.

Kyle Seager and Justin Smoak- Get Ackley to join band, or find another second baseman that can play oboe.

Franklin Gutierrez- Purchase personal bubble to prevent catching polio from Saunders. Also, learn to play baseball in personal bubble.

Michael Saunders- Convince Gutierrez that Canada also vaccinates against polio. Free healthcare!

Carlos Peguero- Open eyes when he swings more often.

Eric Thames- Sue Thames River for stealing name and change pronunciation.

Casper Wells- Follow lead of Eric Thames and sue deep holes sunk into the earth to obtain water.

Raul Ibanez - Land an endorsement deal with Warren Zevon, allowing him to go on tours after he retires. If you don't get this, go to some Mariners games. Side note: Warren Zevon died in 2003

Jason Bay - Disprove some Canadian stereotypes and hit his weight.