Book of Zduriencik 15:11-32
11 Wedge continued: “There was an organization who had four sons: Jesus (not that Jesus), Dustin, Justin, and Kyle. 12 The right side of the infield and the catcher said to their father, ‘Father, give us our share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, Jesus, Dustin, and Justin got together all they had, set off for a miserable start to the season and there squandered their skills and and the faith of Mariner fans in a miserable existence. 14 After they consistently batted under the Mendoza line, there was a severe famine of victories for the Mariners, and these three were in need of sustenance and extra-base hits. 15 So they went early to BP, studied film, and 'got their minds right'. They practiced with Dave Hansen who sent them to his fields to feed pigs (okay, maybe Big Z got a little careless with the allusion here). 16 They longed to fill their stat sheets with the hits and averages and confidence that others were having, but it would not simply be given to Jesus (the other one, remember?), Dustin, and Justin.
17 “When they came to their senses, they said, ‘How many of the Mariners are struggling right now, and here we are only making things worse! 18 We will work hard and go back to the Mariners and say: Edgar (the most beloved Mariner of all-time is God), we have underperformed against you and all the Mariners faithful. 19 We are no longer worthy to be called Major League Baseball players; make us like those baseball players who play in Tacoma.’ 20 So they left their respective homes and went to Minute Maid Park in Huston, Texas (Why Houston? That's a very good question).
“But while they were still a long way off from batting and statistical competency, the Mariner fans saw them and were filled with compassion and hope; they watched the Aprill 22nd game against the Astros, and after the game ran and embraced Jesus (THE OTHER ONE!), Dustin, and Justin.
21 “They said to the Mariners fans, ‘Mariners fans, we have sinned against you, against the Mariners organization, and against Mendoza. We are no longer worthy to be called Mariners.’
22 “But the fans said to the three, ‘Quick! Take us to Houston; we can celebrate by PLAYING THE (L)ASTROS. 23 Put Felix on the mound and let him get number 100. Let’s have a batting feast: a combined 6-10 with 1 walk, 4 RBIs, and 3 runs scored for the lost players. 24 For these cornerstones of the Mariners organization were dead but are alive again; Dustin has almost found the other side of the Mendoza line!’ So they began to (prematurely) celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, Kyle was over at third base. When he came the dugout at the end of the 7-1 victory, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the reporters over and asked what was going on. 27 ‘Your teammates have come around,’ he replied, ‘and the Mariners fans have prematurely put their faith back in these three young hitters.’
28 “Kyle became angry and refused to go in. So the Mariners went out and spoke with him. 29 But he answered the Mariners, ‘Look! All this year I have been hitting and playing the field consistently. I'm on an 11-game hitting streak and have gone a combined 5-9 with 3 runs scored, 4 RBIs and 2 home runs in the last two games. Yet you never talk about my success and let me basque in the glory of being the only consistent Mariner position player. 30 But when Jesus (THE OTHER JESUS PEOPLE GET A HINT), Dustin, and Justin decide to start playing competently again, even if only for one game, you celebrate and make it seem like the Mariners are a-ok again!’
31 “‘Kyle,’ the Mariners fans said, ‘you are always good, and all of our cheers and hope rest in you. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because your three teammates were sufficiently dead at the plate now they are alive again; they were lost and now they maybe are found.’”
33 And somewhere off in rehab Michael Saunders is shouting: 'hey! Don't forget about me, the Condor!'
*Note: this is a dramatization of the recent existence for the Mariners. This series could be a breath of fresh air for the M's and these struggling hitters, or it could be an anomaly and they will fall off the map again. But two things need to happen:
1) Morse needs to get healthy and start hitting well again.
2) Saunders needs to be healthy and playing because he could solidify this Mariners lineup.
Go Mariners -- and blessed be those who take the time to turn the parable of the prodigal son into a blasphemous blog about the recent success of the struggling Mariner hitters.
Long Live the King.
-Charlie @C14SpencerD
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